"I Ain't Sorry"

*insert Dikembe finger wag here*

NOT IN OUR HOUSE.

I was in the nail salon a while back and there was an overwhelming echo that would not stop. Every few minutes, “Sorry!"”Oh! I’m so sorry..” “Sorry, haha, my apologies.” Women were saying sorry for very trivial circumstances — dropping something on the floor, asking to see the nail color palette, requesting that their nail tech file their nails a certain way. In that moment, I thought, “since when did we (emphasis to the wimenz) begin to apologize for wants, needs, and the minutia of daily life?'“ I also recalled reading an article about the dangers of saying sorry too much - which is my inspiration for this post. Let’s talk about how we got here, why this behavior is so threatening, and what we can do to fix it.

THE WHY

From my perspective and opinion, saying s*rry has been a habitual practice in our culture, especially among the female population. We initially learn from childhood that “sorry” is used primarily for extending an apology and acknowledgement for a wrongdoing and/or expressing remorse for a given situation. However, as I’ve gotten older, I’ve found that the purpose and use of the word sorry is also rooted in the notion that we (wimenz, again) don’t want to adopt a “mean girl” trait or be perceived as a bitch. The over-arching thought being that maybe if we sprinkle a “sorry” every so often in our delivery, then we don’t come off as demanding or imperious. Over time, the sprinkles turn into an annoying down pour of sorry’s being thrown into our everyday dialogue even if we don’t mean it. This realization leads to another inquiry — why do we say sorry SOO much? 1. Because it’s habitual 2. It’s a characteristic firewall but 3. Saying sorry has become a substitution for what we really intend to communicate. Granted, if I bump into someone, that warrants an apology. However, saying sorry before asking to borrow a colleague’s stapler in the office is not a valid condition. Saying sorry when letting the table know you need excuse yourself for the restroom — not valid. Basic wants and needs do not justify an apology. I would advise you to be very clear in your communication: “Hey! May I borrow your stapler?” “Excuse me y’all, I’m going to head to the restroom for a moment.” Like so and like that.

THE HOW

Although you may think you’re being considerate by exclaiming sorry at every waking, dawning moment of your life and you think you deserve an award for being world’s nicest and most accomodating person of Earth, you are missing the pertinence of how saying sorry so intesely alters your respectability. When we are too apologetic (especially for no reason), we begin to demean our own position, power, and authority. The article above provides excellent examples of how this behavior is manifested in professional email communication and the work place. If you present your concern or an idea as an inconvenience to a colleague, they will also view it as an inconvenience because you started with that god-awful word. An opener to an email shouldn’t prematurely cause others to disregard what you have to say, but instead inspire them to lean into the amazing ideas and wealth of knowledge you can provide. How else does saying sorry affect us? I mentioned that mean girl trait previously, but saying sorry often enough starts to fester internal thoughts of “Am I likeable enough?” and “Do I seem agressive?” You may begin to overcompensate for ideas that are completely out of your control or don’t even exist. Let’s get one thing clear: saying sorry will not fix either of those circumstances. The only thing it will do is exacerabate others’ perception of you as being someone who is timid or less confident.

SIDENOTE: I’m talking to Black girls now, but as long as we have this skin and show advocacy for ourselves, our peers, our conditions, our pay, our worth, our hair, our dress, our AAE, our work style, we will always be “aggressive,” so to hell with saying sorry! #BlackGirlMagic #BlackGirlsDontSaySorry

THE WHAT

We know how saying sorry way too much hurts us more than helps us, but what do we do to combat that? If I’m a person who practices this behavior, what’s my solution? I can only speak for myself in this case and hope that what I chose to do will help you, too. Foremost, I don’t say “sorry” when I am sincerely apologizing. When I was younger, my aunt taught me that we are not “sorry” people and sorry gets thrown around so much, who knows if we’re actually sincere or not? When I am expressing my wrongdoing or a fault, I tend to say “I apologize” and then share what I am apologizing for. Sorry can seem like a cop out and a cover-all/blanket statment. “I apologize for…” motivates us to a deeper level. I also made a conscious effort to cease saying sorry all together. If I felt like I was about to say it, I would stop and think about the purpose of my message and alter my language to better reflect what I was trying to convey. I learned a while ago to replace “sorry” with “thank you.” For example, instead of “Sorry I’m so late to the meeting!” I will say, “Thank you for waiting for me!” Words and language have power. With that simple change, I shifted the focus from my tardiness to focusing on the fact that we have everyone we need here, we can proceed as a team now.

Eliminating sorry from my vocabulary showed me that most of the time I was saying sorry, I wasn’t making mistakes, there was simply a misunderstanding or inconvenience. I’ve improved my overall verbal and written communication, correspondence, and self-awareness due to changing this single behavior. I challenge you to #CeaseTheSorry and see how empowered you become. Besides, if Beyoncé isn’t doing it, why should we?