the girl on the left

“She gon be upset if she keep scrolling to the leeeft…”

As much energy as we’ve given to it, I want to acknowledge C*VID-19 for making me realize that I needed to gather my ENTIRE life and not now, but RIGHT now. I don’t want to expound on the details about my weight loss in this post. If neighbors are interested I’ll write about that for sure, but at another time. I want to really dedicate today’s piece to my former self and the #GROWTH that’s been a direct result of my lifestyle changes. I present to you…the girl on the left.

thx Kellz.

Looking at the picture below, before “transformation” so to speak, I could tell you what I was experiencing, how I was coping, my mind space, my body’s capabilities, what my circles looked like, so on. And that’s what I’m going to do…tell you about what’s changed about the girl on the left versus the Byrd that posts before you now lol.

Away we go…the girl on the left was insecure. I carried a façade in particular settings; I could communicate, dress, and navigate with what was disguised as confidence, but I was frequently comparing myself to others and uncomfortably self-aware. Often times, I couldn’t step into a space or engage on social media platforms without thinking that I was being judged or that someone might have negative thoughts about what they saw when I approached or stepped into a space. I tried to be myself most of the time, but I always felt I would be perceived as weird and annoying, so I tried to balance my nuances with what was deemed as cool/tasteful at that time. Since them, I’ve realized and accepted that ingenuity is not my forte. I like nerd shit. I like things that are uncoventional. I like what I like. I’ve embraced that I don’t and can’t keep up with a certain social norms or trends, because it’s not true to me and my interests. The more that I tried to evoke what I thought others wanted to see from me, the more I ended up in a routine that was unhealthy for me. Kind of like when I tried to convince myself I liked to smoke weed lmao. Yeah, that was a dub. I wanted to present a version of myself that would satisfy the palate of everyone around me but me and that was frankly an impossible and draining task.

The girl on the left had destructive habits. So, this is a moment of vulnerability. Proceed with understanding and neutrality. At the time, I figured it was a way to make myself feel better about my situation and make up for a lack of what I did not possess. I felt like, well, if no one knew the extent of what I was subjecting myself to, then it can’t be that bad. If I kept it secret, it was something that only I had to deal with and no one else, and I assumed this idea would took away at least some of the guilt. Incorrect. I always felt worse after the fact and then one day during solace in quarantine, I decided it was time to stop the insanity. Especially after years of lying to myself about it.

Disclaimer: This is where my blog gets into my faith. I understand that everyone is not be a believer or share my faith. I respect and embrace that. I’m only here to speak my truth and not to force my ideals on you. BUT..if you come to Jesus through this blog, mention my name when you get there lol…pls….

Anyway, I prayed for deliverance and for freedom from my behaviors and it came to me that I was/am totally capable of achieving that and also not reverting back to it. What I was succumbing myself to (which I disguised as a necessity), was a false sense of dependency. The habits I was feeding were not filling the space in my spirit that truly required God’s presence. I love the scripture Romans 5:20 — “Where sin abounds, grace abounds much more.” Just because I can, doesn’t mean I should and even when I do, the grace of God is greater than any addiction, sin, shortcoming, habit, etc.  

Even further into faith…the girl on the left was disconnected. I proclaimed I was a follower of Jesus and I loved the Lord, but I was so lost and far gone. Matthew 15:8 hits the nail on the head, “These people honor me with their lips, but their hearts are far from me.” I was immensely disconnected from God. Like…it was rough. I did not spend time with God, did not think about God, really wasn’t making an effort to know God outside of asking God to fix things for me, even questioned God’s existence/presence. I couldn’t understand how amazing things were happening in the life of others, and my life felt so basic. I could see and be grateful for the salient things, but I wanted more from God and more for my life. What a trick of the enemy who always has us thinking that we don’t have enough or our lives aren’t amazing. These thoughts were predators. You mix an insecure girl, no spirituality or sense of godly relationship, unhealthy habits, and it’s tiers (tears, aha) of self-sabotage. And it did not feel good. It wasn’t until I got serious about my faith walk and got connected to a community of faith when I realized that being in relationship with God isn’t about what God can do for me, but what I can do for God. How am I living my life in accordance to God’s will and what sacrifices am I making that allow me to see God’s glory and appreciate everything that God has in store for me? My life IS amazing because it’s MINE. No one else has it and God’s hand is over it. I had to learn that God’s blessing on someone else’s life is never a threat to mine. For if God is blessing my neighbor, then God is surely in my neighborhood.

Spring 2018, again, grad school.

The girl on the left was single. (I’m single now lmao, but let me explain). I was sulking in my singleness and so annoyed that I didn’t have a significant other. You know, I could meet someone and we hit it off, but it would never go anywhere or I just didn’t have the “it” that the guy I was interested in was looking for. This also fed into my insecurities. So anyway, sulking in singleness, woe is me, why can’t I get a man? Big Joan Energy. Just really stupid thoughts in hindsight. I was looking at all the things that were wrong with me and didn’t realize until recently that a lot of the times when others choose to disengage with us, it really has nothing to do with us, per sé. It tends to be something personal for that individual. And at no point in life are we required to inherit and claim someone else’s baggage and try to cultivate that as an explanation for why we are no longer connected to them. I think I’m saying that how I wanna say it. For example, we should not adopt the thought that the reason someone is no longer connected to us is because of us. That we are the baggage and because we are a certain way, that’s why we could not maintan a relationship with a certain somebody. This goes for friends and romantic partners alike. Anyway, over time, I finally decided to “date myself.” Ugh lol, I hate 2020 language/lingo but I ain’t got nothing better. This is the period of time when alllll of the changes happened. I left social media, started reading, watched hella Jeopardy, exercised, dug deep into my devotional life, many things. During this process, I learned (and am still learning) what I like and don’t like, what I will and won’t tolerate, and I even started um…talking to myself. i.e. unpacking situations from the past that left a bad taste in my mouth, verbalizing and writing down my feelings about those experiences. The plan is to get a therapist, but the staff meetings are going swimmingly at this time.

a very unhealthy Byrd believe it or not.

This was my heaviest point in life ever. I just finished my first year of grad school and it’s very evident in my body. Also, wtf was that wig? ugh…lol!

Moving right along. The girl on the left was self-centered. Periodically, I would go out of my way for others and perform a nice gesture, with really no meaning behind it, just to be a helping hand or because they asked and I was willing and able. Then, I read Gary Chapman’s “The Five Love Languages” and there was finally meaning behind all of my actions. I took my first love languages quiz in college, but four years had passed and I wanted to know if my love languages changed at all. Instead of re-taking the quiz only, I read the book first and then took the quiz. Unsurprisingly enough, my love languages did not shift. Physical touch is and will remain last. Keep ya hands to yourself. But, what was most exciting was learning how to speak others’ love languages. I tried it with my family first (without telling them, of course) and I felt like I could get through to them more than before. And, because we were in the house together with nowhere to go during quarantine, this was an optimal time to learn and implement what I learned from the books. In return, as Gary Chapman did write, my family began to speak my love languages, as well. I’ve learned to meet others’ needs and speak their love language(s) instead of satisfying myself all the time or doing acts so that people think more of me. Most of us get the “selfish” message over and over again. “These are your 20s, be selfish with your time and space blah blah blah.” I agree, but to an extent. A temporal selfishness should not be confused with constant self-centeredness. (I also read The Five Love Languages for Singles. 10/10 for both editions. Gary Chapman is a life-saver)

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The girl on the left was anxious (and possibly paranoid). I knew the feelings and thoughts I had weren’t right. Thanks to a friend who is a psychologist, she let me know that they could have been indicative of the two. I don’t have a formal diagnosis because my behaviors did not get to a significantly alarming point that I felt I needed to pursue that route. I was experiencing discouraging, scary, and mind-controlling thoughts EVERY DAY for about four years or so that would not stop. It was frightening and I didn’t know how to fix it. As I was studying for a final one day during grad school, I called my parents crying — panicking and hysterical in a Barnes & Noble explaining that these thoughts wouldn’t cease even though I kept telling my mind to turn them off, my heart was just pumping so fast and I still wonder if that was my first experience having a panic attack. Which was frightening. I think these thoughts and feelings stemmed from my poor behaviors and the struggles I’ve mentioned throughout the post. Once I eliminated much of that from my daily life and my agenda (with a significant amount of soul work), I began to see a shift that I never thought I would.

Again, actively seeking a therapist and hope to start that healing journey after many years of putting it off. That particular call to my parents happened close to two years ago and just recently, have I been able to find ways to help the thoughts subside. I feel like a heavy, vile burden has been lifted. I never thought I would make it here. I still have thoughts from time to time, however, not as nearly as bad and often as they used to be and I am so thankful for that. 

The girl on the left was 182 lbs at the height of her debacle. Though the number on the scale decreased slowly over time, anxiety, singleness, self-centeredness, disconnect, destruction, and insecurity persisted.

It wasn’t until the girl on the left got serious about what she wanted to transform about herself that she was able to step into the woman on the right.

Every day is a stepping stone for a solid foundation, a step toward unleashing crazy potential, and a step away from the comfort zone.

You may or may not share my struggles, but what about your girl on the left is hindering you from all that’s waiting for you on the other side of that “before” pic?

As a tribe, let’s challenge each other to do and be better because the woman on the right is depending on it.

It’s yours for the taking. Go get it.  

the woman/Byrd on the right.